The age gap between my brother and me is seven years. When we were kids it was a massive gap, but it slowly evened out as we got older, getting seemingly smaller.
Then he died. Suddenly and unexpectedly. We lived far away from each other, and weren’t involved in each other’s daily lives other than the occasional phone call, and meeting up for holidays at our parents house. But the space he left behind when he passed is still enormous. It’s been 2 ½ years.
My father passed away just before Christmas last year. I was there, I got to say goodbye, grief had a place to live. In summer I went back home to help my mom sort through his things. It was lots. Books, gadgets, papers. And photos. Thousands of photos. From when he was young all the way to the early 2000s, when he started to get too affected by his arthritis to do pretty much anything.
Looking through the images of my brother as a young boy and teenager, I realised that, even though I was there, I didn’t know that boy at all. The one with the shy smile, the kind face and the skinny, lanky body. I was 7 when he was 14, we might as well have been living on different planets.
I only remember bits and pieces. Him letting me ride on his big bike, him walking me to school, having ice cream on vacation in Sweden. I don’t remember a Christmas or a birthday. I don’t remember dinners or homework or hanging out. I don’t remember him. How was his laugh, what did he sound like when he talked, what did he enjoy.
I never knew that boy.
And looking through all these images left by my father, made the loss so real. We should have looked through all those photos together. We should have talked and laughed, and said “oh yes, I remember that!”. We should have revisited the memories together.
I am very grateful for all the years I got with my brother, for knowing the man he became, even though it was way too short. He was kind, funny and caring. He was still that gentle boy from the pictures.
So, brother, raise another pint
Rev up the engine and drive off in the night
See you somewhere some place some time
I know there’s better brothers, but you’re the only one that’s mine
I know there’s better brothers, but you’re the only one that’s mine
